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A Glimpse…

Everyone Has A Story – Purpose is Found in What Life Presents:

“In the roots of your pain and suffering, you will come to find the sacred seeds of truth, where your life purpose will greet you.” Alive in Heart and Soul

At a very young age, I questioned: “Why am I here? What is my purpose?” I would repeat this question over and over. No answer was good enough for me.  Like we all do, I went through life. I kept on looking and seeking for peace. I had happy and dark moments as a teenager. I was dealing with child hood trauma and overcoming insecurities with my body developing into a woman. I was absorbing the world and learning all about it. In my early twenties, I enjoyed a rewarding career that was taking me places, all while giving back to the community, and an abundance of family of friends. I struggled, with battles of depression, on off, from my so called “broken past.” The day I met my husband, I knew I found my partner-my best friend in life.  The year we were married, a beautiful soul (whom I am grateful for to this day) gave me an incredible gift. The gift of an experience: an 8 day intensive process that opened up my view on the world from a different perspective. With this clarity, I committed to journal writing, meditation and regular yoga practice. I also was eager to start a family. That is when life really opened up for me.

My beautiful daughter, my angel, blessed me with this unbelievable joy of being a mother. Than in the early years of her life, I realized I felt a sorrow soul deep. Where was this coming from? I was happy on the outside, but so depressed on the inside. Why could this be? I faced Postpartum Depression and was prescribed anti-depressants. It helped, but, the questions would still arise: “Why I am here? What is the purpose of life?” My second angel, my dear son, was born and after an amazing birth experience with our wonderful Doula-I felt on cloud nine. I was happy and then, my depression hit again. I was determined to not cave into medication – I was destined to not be that mom labeled with the stigma of Postpartum Depression. The numbness that I experienced with antidepressants made me feel like an empty soul with no emotion or feelings. I felt like a robot. I knew there was more to life. I could feel it. I just didn’t know what that was yet.

On December 2013, something moved me in a way that I have never felt before. I was in a place in my life of giving up hope. But, within that desperation, I found true love and what some may call a taste of Source Energy (Some may call it God, Love, whatever religion you belief in). I felt the universe –every single ounce of “IT.” For once in my life- my life made sense. All the Spiritual Teachers and Gurus’s out there in this world (Oprah Winfrey, Wayne Dyer, Deepak Chopra, Eckhart Tolle, Louise Hay to name a few)- I now knew what they were talking about- I felt it. I breathed it. I was in that very moment marveling in the beauty of the words they spoke – it no longer was gibberish language that confused me. I felt what it was like to embody the energy of God. I felt the expansion of Aliveness within my Soul. I felt Heaven on Earth. I saw Heaven and Earth and my senses opened up – all six of them. All my life I thought that Heaven on Earth could only be found if I only were to die. I was sure wrong, it actually can be found in this physical lifetime.

This bliss of a peak experience did come to an end, as everything unconscious in my heart and soul that was suppressed needed to come to the surface to become integrated and this is where the work of the path just begins (the roots of my pain and suffering). A new congruent understanding for life was unfolding. Faith was the unchartered path that was opening up for me. So I relentlessly dive into the essence of my spiritual journey to transform and fully understand consciousness expansion, since science can not fully explain (which continues with heart and devotion each day in this journey of life).

So since 2014, I have retreated within (mostly over the span of the past 3 years on the evolution of my spiritual journey) –  almost bed ridden at times – like a bear in a cave. I actually can say as well I have a new compassion for people that feel like “outsiders.” I feel exactly like this at times – because spiritual growth may create a sense of not belonging. Once you take off your masks, and you aren’t afraid to face every truth that you repress, something emerges greater than yourself – that you cant quite put a finger on – but somehow, you recognize the sacredness it presents to you. You begin to have a deeper compassion of love of yourself and you expand that inner awareness (innate knowing of being-ness) outward – to also have compassion for the masks others where around you (for you have carried masks yourself in your journey –  so compassion and love of others is essential for your souls evolution. For this is where freedom, wisdom, truth and love intercept if you can move out of separation and recognize unity of how God has intended. It has always existed and been, but the constructs of this world has projected this to be mythical of nature. For man itself – has created a space between this void- creating separation from the truth of God).

This process continues to show the need to experience this solitude of inner discovery that is taking form and birthing into existence what it is, that God wants to show me and I am in a place of honoring this – so aspects that don’t serve me any more can slowly begin to be dismantled by truth (my ego mind loves crying and pleading to me to hold onto an identity that is no longer me. It is a known spiritual understanding that ego can transcend for brief moments of experience but we will always have aspects of ego remain – so – we must learn to have our heart and soul guide the ego, not the ego guiding the heart and soul). In pulling within to explore something so new and foreign to me, (The One and Only Beloved God) I have had to open up to painful hurt and dismay; all while being vulnerable and exposing all the lies, hurt and untruth of my being that are not congruent or represent the most authentic me. Through this discovery, I have come to a deeper understanding of Gods love which I am blessed and grateful for daily. In these multiple periods of intense awakening of discovery – what some Saints of Religion have termed – The Dark Night of the Soul – the absence of God at times has left me at times feeling abandoned by him and this is felt by the aches and wounds of my soul in multiple layers. In this inner review period with my soul (nothing outside or external of nature. This means only and completely me surrendering to God and myself), I discovered a raw truth of the world that rocked me to my core and it dispelled all the manipulation and control which left me feeling confused and isolated (I consider this a reset and realignment to a inner pull to God). I could pick up like a magnet on others emotional baggage – so much so that I couldn’t recognize what emotions were mine or were not mine (which i felt like a pin ball machine at times and this is something I am really learning to navigate with).

I continue to face my emotional baggage and I at first was reluctant to face all my un-serving traits of addictions, dependence, depression, shame, guilt, hurt, grief, crisis, selfishness, sorrow, sadness, pride, ego, greed, envy, anger, resentment, superiority, inferiority, and jealousy, and the list goes on ( with all the nasty feelings we as humans have been conditioned to feel which creates separation in the end), that created a reaction formation of unhealthy cycles and patterns within me. These aspects were destroying my soul – so I had to learn how to acknowledge them (for than I was no longer avoiding or denying truth), feel them (brutal honesty is painful), release them in a healthy way (learning how to express them) and understand the root of where they are coming from (they like to creep up – because after all our minds like to play off this fear – often, but I have a gentle respect for them and now forgive and practice compassion with what is arising because these emotions don’t represent the highest aspect of what God has intended for me). I have come to terms with these incongruent mind made thought forms as the “devil of demons” and or in essence  – sin – we are all perplexed and faced with, within. We truly battle it out between an angel and devil on each sides of our shoulders at points of times in our life (we just have to move to the balance of these limited aspects of our self to create cohesion and collaboration within our psychological, biological and environmental frameworks as these will always speak to us – so we have to learn to be loving and gentle). Sigmund Freud’s’ psychological theory states in more detail this inner conflict in the terms he has coined as the ego, super ego and the ID – so I guess you can call me a Freudian psychotherapist supporter.

In this period of God showing me what he needed to show me, I seriously can say I am merging to live and breathe spirit daily and have experienced and continue to experience aspects of “identity death” to whom I am no longer. This is a continuous process and I, at any point of time, can say I am committed, or, I am not committed. God has granted this choice of free will. This allows the continuous grace of God to merge gracefully to the truth of who I am. I am committed to the gift and truth of life and birthing a new reality of love into existence – and so it is – The Alive In Heart Initiative – is born as an extension of my devotion and call of God and I want to equally grant you with this gift, of the heart of faith, to yourself. I graciously and loving expand my heart to be of devotional service to you  – in the name of the truth of this life – in the name of love – and the supreme essence of GOD who is the one I admire for the creation of all this is glorious universe. Amen.

The Alive In Heart Initiative – Gratitude and Purpose Contributions:

“…so as to live the rest of your earthly life no longer by human desires but by the will of God.”       – Peter 2 -

As each new day arrives, I continuously am in the process to birth in the aliveness of a new richer aspect of life that god is showing to me. I will incorporate all that i have gained and learned along the way (simplistic process from the heart) into the work of the Alive In Heart Initiative, to share with you. Solitude of contemplation with God has permitted this understanding. So I humbly honor and listen to my inner passion of following the pull of God to my soul; as this is truly the only way i feel Alive within my heart. It fills me up with so much love to give back and has brought me now to a place of service – to extend out a helping hand of Love to those who are looking for love and compassion. I at times wish I could sell my home to do this full time, travel the world with my family and offer this compassionate care service free of charge – as in faith, peace and love – freedom can be found. Solace is found though, where I currently reside, to inject this gift of love into the community. The gift of the awareness of the sacred heart.

Please note I am no different than you (as we are equal in all respects). I continue to have flaws surface and have my bad days (as we are human)  – but I embrace them, move forward into them and cleanse them with devotion, faith and the love of God. I have a commitment to move forward and to not look back. I offer compassion and forgiveness to myself and others- love and truth than is presented. This is where the truth starts and ends.  But remember, their really is no ending – but rather a new awakening of aliveness in each moment to a deeper understanding of truth. The birth of this process all started when I plunged into the deep uncharted water blindfolded and stepped off the cliff so to speak.

Postpartum depression, PTSD, major depression, bi polar and anxiety disorder was the opening gate to faith for me. I had a choice to be stagnate, to just accept, or, to rise above. (On a side note, I feel we need to learn to detach from society’s ways of attaching a “label” to these according to the Diagnostic Criteria Manual, (DCM-5) and move towards a real tangible wholistic global solution (to find the truth and root of psychic determinism as Sigmund Freud a famous psychologist believed) for all those “plagued” in a sense (is God speaking to our heart and are we silently ignoring this truth?). If homosexuality (which was formerly in this diagnostic manual as a mental illness) was removed from the DCM-5 in 1980 due to political push, why is that so and how do we move beyond the other “labels” of depression and mental illness? I even had a psychiatrist say to me that sometimes labels completely disappear without an explanation (so is this our innate call to rise above to allow this to happen?)). When the “label” surfaces, God teaches the grace of surrender and for my mind to move to the heart – thus the commitment to the Alive In Heart Initiative. So, the main essence of this unfoldment on my spiritual path has been all about surrender at the end of the day to a deeper knowing of God – which is now a voice within pulling me to share.

I dedicate the Alive In Heart Initiative to all whom I love – which really is this entire world and much more beyond this world – which is the spirit of God. I honor everyone that comes into my path as well; whether I only meet them for a moment, second, minute, hour, day, week, month, year or longer, I value each moment with each person. I have outgrown the need to be popular (as an attempt to “fit in”) and I have learned to let this old identity of me fade away; all while falling in love with the purest expression of the essence of who I really am. This has taken time. In this renewal sense of my identity, maybe a mid life / identity crisis some may belief or term as such. I like to refer to it as a ‘wake up call from God’ or better known as “I once was blind but now I am found” as the Ray Charles song beautifully shares in Amazing Grace.

God has led me to this path. He allowed me to graciously allow, or, deny it at any moment. It was me at the end of the day that brought me to the true depth of understanding God. I feel we walk in all directions on our journey and in the end that path connects to the same thing – the source of God. I always was resisting faith. I was fearful of faith and what it would “turn me into”. But in the end faith saved me. I could go on and on like I have above here; but really, this is a path that each of us partake in only should we each individually choose. No one can force you. God gifted me the experience of heaven and earth and now it is ultimately up to I of who I AM who must make the decision to surrender completely and freely by this new found freedom. With that being said, I feel a call now more than ever to move into the grace of surrender and the purest loving grace of God. God has shown me what it takes to become his law of his word and will of the divine. For when we seek our own path of truth within, the paths of others are also encouraged to grow into the grace of Gods truth. So the path just begins and my soul feels expansion in each step.

I invite you equally to feel this aliveness within – if you should choose. God will let you know if you are ready. He is ready to pick you up – if you want to fall into his arms, or, if you should choose to fall in the opposite direction. He always is nudging you in someway to explore the truth of love – to find freedom in your heart and soul. He doesn’t push, nor imply, this is completely you that can tune in or turn it off. Surrender in the end is a true gift of loving grace – like heaven on earth.

Faith, love and blessings.

J.S. xxx ooo

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